#tumblr wont let me @ you but this is how im feeling rn and its. Terrible.

[imraespace]

HELPME PPL THINK IM 18+ ONLINE AND. IRL. MY COUSIN FREAKING SAID “are you 18???” LIKE DAMN BRO I GET IT I DINT LOOK MY AGE BUT IM 18 IN DAMN 2-3 YEARS 👿👿👿 TOO EARLY FOR ME TO BE REACHING ADULTHOOD HELP

ive been faking my age to ppl online like on servers n stuff bc i really hate talking about ages like once they figure out im a minor theyre like erm haha let me make u a victim and start saying the weirdest stuff ever like girl if i was 18 or 15 how does that change ANYTHING HELP but when i acc get to know ppl i say my actual age i dont want to be a victim guys dot dot dot stares at that one tumblr person that entered my ask box and was loke ahhaha want some nudes??? Insert link. LIKE NO PLEQSE I AM A MINOR

also octopus hater finally replied but theyre a mfing opp bc they didnt even add my nickname hashtag 💔💔 mayeb bc its an ask game but like come on man you gave me a mutual nickname and u wont even add my hashtag EFF YOU 💔💔 joke sorry octopus hater i love u even if youd otn love me ure my second ever moot on this app and one of my only moots other than jjk person and cheese bot i love cheese bot i will be messaging cheese bot but i think they genuinely hsut forgot

my right eveball has been twitching and i think its bc of all the stress i went through this week with my science test history test civics test civics cpt and then a whole bunch of other stuff like why the freak did my cooking teacher tell me to go to the third floor and jump if i make the pierogis look bad ??? IS HE EVEN ALLOWED TO JOKE LIKE THAY WHAT IF I WAS SUICIDAL AND THAT WAS MY LAST REASON HELLO????

for soem reason candles have veen calling me throughout this mall trip am i transitioning into a middle aged woman shoppign for christmas candles but now i cant tell the difference between cinnamon truffle and fresh cotton with vanilla and then mushroom soy bean like hello who names these and most importantly WHO MFING INVENTED TREE FOREST SCENT THAY SMELLS LIKE ITS ROTTING. HELLO. I USUALLY LOKE THE SMELL OF FOREST WHEN I GO AND SEE MY WOLF PACK ALPHAS (the neighborhood hyenas that i hear howling at the back) WTF WAS THAT SCENT. mayeb my cosuin is right about me beign 18 atp…….

anwyays i forgot about daily question mYBAD GANF

DAILY QUESTION IS UMMM whatw ould be the best way to torture i mean send love to octopus hater 💜💜💜 ok seriosuly UM who in bllk would have a terrible spending addiction while being freaking poor

- 🐙

FINALLY IM GONNA ANSWER THIS

SAME HELP

I've never faked my age I'm too scared that they would somehow find out I THINK THOSE ARE BOTS BX I GOT LIKE 4 OF THEM AT ONCE

ugh everytime I see octopus hater I roll my eyeballs....😒 HELP this is a very one-sided love.. #bethebiggerperson!!!

OHMAGSU SCHOOL IS SO STRESSFUL RN AND I REMINDED MYSELF THAT omg mara you have oral finals IN 6 MONTHS HAHAHHA 😐.. WDYM 6 MONTHS MY FINALS ARE IN 6 MONTHS?? AND MY EXAMS FOR THIS TERM IS IN 2 WEEKS WHAKDKMAMD

HELO WHAT?? what even happens in cooking class omg.. HELOME I CABT BRATHE

odd names for candles.. I like the smell of normal candles after you blow them out also the same with matches idk why I sometimes light them ans blow it out just to sniff em..

HELOME I FANT CEATHE THEYRE GIV8NG YOU THE REAL FEEL OF HUNTING WITH THE PQCK!!

ha! granny!!

HELP E send a scary picture in their inbox..

ERM shidou...

[andsotheuniverseended]

[flyingcookierambles]

plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha) 

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke. 

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

[choco-style]

lately I’ve found myself mind yelling “shut the fuck up” more than usual and I don’t know who to talk to because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it, I just have to wait to go to school and feel better, which is crazy because the general opinion on school is “god I hate it I just wanna go home” and that’s what I used to think too when I was in my awful 5-8 grade class

and it’s not just real life people I want to shut up, I feel like I’m getting more defensive and my favourite creators are getting called all kinds of things by people who claim to have the higher moral ground (or whatever you call it), when they themselves wish terrible things upon people who have either done nothing wrong, or who have apologized for everything they did wrong. and it’s 99% on tumblr. now I understand why no one fucking likes this site.

and I’m back again in this state where “I wanna go home” doesn’t at all refer to the actual apartment, but to a mentally happy place. and it sounds edgy when your brain says I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home I wanna go home please shut the fuck up

this isn’t even that bad and it’s nothing serious and I don’t know how I feel about all this I just needed to let it out and tumblr is where I can write longass “diary entries” and very few people who I care about will read them, and if someone has a problem with them I don’t give a single shit about their feelings and I hope they get the help they need to not turn into a shitty person or worse.

ive also been kinda mean??like not quite but kinda??? i dont know i just feel like i peaked and now im just kinda there. but im not even in the neutral empty doorway kind of state, its like now im in the room but idk what i wanna do and i need to pee but theres no toilet and im just there. like how dreams feel sometimes,,,,, idk aaagh

during the first 5 days of the week i look forward to the weekend because that keeps me happy and good and nice but then the weekend is the worst part of every week and i look forward to going to school, and now i wont even have this escape because this is the last week were going to school this decade and i have to breathe the same air and hear the same sounds as my family and i dont want to, i wanna go to school and be distracted and plan out my evenings and mornings when im basically alone. or something. i dont know what im talking about. i just dont want winter break. i dont wanna talk to my family when theyre all together. whenever theres even two people from my family in the same room i feel like i want to cry and i end up wishing id made plans or something, anything just to be somewhere else. 

youtube videos arent working anymore. or they are, but not really. i can block out the sound partially but i can still hear other people. and i think its normal but also fucked up. “what is?” well thanks for asking, me in “ “s, having these people argue so much is common but fucked up, having to stop whatever ur doing just to check whether or not a family member is crying, only to find out theyre laughing, is fucked up but maybe common. wanting to be home alone is common and not fucked up i think. going into a mental crisis because youre in this eternal circle of being sad - amplifying it because ur an attention whore - realising ur an attention whore - instead of stopping, u amplify THIS to feel absolutely terrible except not really because its not real or is it - now ur making urself look like the victim of realising ur not the victim. jesus fucking christ u stop thinking about it and it happens again a while later. just shut the fuck up, me. shut the fuck up. make my brain shut the fuck up,  i would literally probably cry happy tears if someone could make me shut the fuck up forever. or maybe i wouldnt but right now i feel like im gonna cry thinking about it. or its just placebo. or not placebo, the negative one. or idk. maybe i was right the first time i dont know. and now my back hurts cuz im like a little bug or whatever im just writing like. reversed arched. i dont know how to explain it lmao. i dont wanna read this thiing ever again but i most likely will! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be happy lol u knwo the meme thats like cmon work. idk what it was but the reference is in my brain and i feel like i could use it. and now i sound weird. well not weird im just going thru the thing i explained earlier in this thing. but i wont write abt it im just gonna not think about it bc that seems to work really well. felt the need to add ^^ as if im talking to someone or maybe making my thoughts talk to me rn like how i would talk to someone irl lmao.theyve actually been silent for a while so idk.

id title this “if im being honest” to like show im trying to get my rthoughts out with no real filtering but aaah idk. i dont wanna do it bc the title would be like. bigger and semibold and itd draw attention to  it. i want this to not be read by people but maybe someone will. i have like 2 or 3 people in mind who would maybe maybe maybe read this but i dont know. its really not anything so you shouldnt read it. maybe someone could skim this. is that how you say it. also there is some filtering of my thoughts because i dont wanna name anyone im not looking for trouble i just wanna talk into the void and feel better and maybe this is really it. i do feel kind of relaxed now. my uhhh wrists, yeah thats what theyre fcalled, they kinda hurt and my fingers dont hurt but like, the joints are very,,,accentuated? but not like visually they just. i can conciously feel them? and my throat and kinda eyes? thats bc of almost kinda crying but lol idk. and like ive always hated accentuated feelings and i read this thing on wikipedia about sensory overload and idk if its a normal thing that happens like when something stings or hurts or if its a symptom of something or i dont know but ive always kinda joked about it and its also related to tics. ticks? ticks. tics. and its not really what im feeling rn but its a thing that happens sometimes. kind of. but like when u walk up the stairs and u feel ur right leg has been doing/making more effort pushing u up than ur left leg and u try to balance out the effort and it can be hurtful i guess bc if something like an eye or arm hurts u try to balance out the pain and that can be bad dont do that but like i can do it bc i wont do it in bad scenarios. i went off track lololol sorry

this is kind of what my mind speeches and discourses look like so yeah i hope this goes unnoticed or someone notices it and i can just say nah dude im good trust me because i am i think and u should maybe probably trust me bc usually i have it better than everyone i talk to online or in real life so its fine if u trust me because its nothing to worry about really. ur precious and u desrrve more attention than whatever this thingy is. take care of yourself. the only thing ur allowed to think about this post if u read it (or not but like sure), according to my selfish brain, is that oh wow its cool that u tried mimicking (??) ur thoufhts and id be lioke yeah haha i dont even know whats wriitten in here anymroe im cool like that hahahhahahhhhhhhahha hehe hoho hihi you know. so dont feel anything else than indifference and maybe admiration. i wouldnt say the former if this were something i put thought into but it isnt so enjoy! honesty. kinda.

[wirtdonut]

all the creepy shit, i dare you to answer all of it

MATT PLEASE omg ok 

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

idk who I said it to tbh??? probably @trenazlore and YES I LOVE HER SO MUCH !!

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

NO OH MY GOD IM JUST AN OLD GRANDMOTHER 

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

always ???? I mean like lately people have been really nice to me and Im happy because wow!! you like me!! also Im aggro because I hate me lol 

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Yeah I smile at them all the time?? Its kind of something I got used to after working retail for so long 

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Im not dating anyone lol also who the fuck cares ??? 

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Heathens by 21p is ALWAYS on the radio and it reminds me of @bearlylocal because Josh Dunn is her boy 

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

omg my Yamaguchi Tadashi cosplay shorts and a Celty Sturluson t shirt with the neckline cut lower and the sleeves cut off 

8. How often do you listen to music?

Every day but its usually pandora or the radio in the car

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Im not a pants wearing girl but I wear jeans/nicer pants to work  

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

TWENTY THIRTEEN 

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Social! I used to be antisocial but working in retail has really helped me open up to people and now I wont SHUT. UP

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Nope 

13. What about ‘R’?

No lol 

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

NOOOO Scary

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Yeah and no like ???? Ok if I dont know abot it then whatever I guess

16. Are you going out of town soon?

Going up to LA for an anime con in January!! 

17. When was the last time you cried?

I almost cried last night for no reason??? um probably a few days or weeks ago??? 

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah all the time!

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

I would LOVE green eyes omg

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

FATGUM Or Justin Tomimori OR my pet rabbit Quincy

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I bought a vacuum that was too small and now I have to take it back to the store ugh

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Sure!

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

NO Omg

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my bed which is currently unmade and naked (also theres a bunny in my lap!)

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Kristin and I say it to each other all the time ! Also Danni and most of my other friends 

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

YEAh

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

UUUuhhh tumblr user @fatyumm

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Maybe one or two bad ones a year

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I think I bought it at an anime con? 

30. Does anyone hate you?

P sure my two ex besties lol 

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

AHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahHH YEAh

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

I love scary movies omg!!! rec me some !

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No Im too much of a weenie for that 

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

GOD 

freshman year of college? I would want to never move away fro school tbh 

35. Did you have a dream last night?

YEAH it was almost sexy but I kept getting INTERRUPTED

then I had another one with my ex bestie in it 

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Last night!

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Doubful 

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

At least two tumblr anons I think 

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

I hope so!

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I felt really sick when I first got to work and then later on before bed but other than that it was ok 

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

lol no try a whole year back 

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

I HOPE The cute sample girl is working at the store Im stationed at tomorrow 

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

not that I can think of off the top of my head

44. What’s the best part about school?

NOTHIng 

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

So many

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

I DID in like seventh grade lol 

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

YEA all the time 

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Think so, yeah!

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

nope! I dont go to school anymore and i dont work at a pet store so things are p different 

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

fuck idk??? Id LIKE to be writing fic

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

My dad ???? No but he IS a homophobe

52. Are you nice to everyone?

I try really hard to be !

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

YYEeeeaaaa

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Ive done it before and I know I can do it again 

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Im SO good at pretending Im not crying 

56. Do you think you like someone?

Fatgum

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

NOoooo

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls and nb people

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Kristin had to deal with me crying all through the second half of RENT

60. Do you hate anyone?

No one I know personally but I wouldn’t be mad if something really terrible happene dto T/r/ump

61. How’s your heart?

It’s beatin

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

UUUMMM.....I just dont really like talking about what I was like in middle school I guess

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

YEAH64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

the ex besties lol 

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

they arent painted at all lol

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

sure hope not!

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

FUck if I know! I mean, I would hate to see the person Im with crying 

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

my pants are always falling down because my butt is small 

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my mom 

70. How do you look right now?

probably.....tired

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

lots of people!

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes!

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

”Opposite” sexes dont exist but I only have one close guy friend and we havent talked in a while but! I feel like I can tell @adol everything

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

lol when your bestie gets a bf

75. Did you wake up cranky?

no, just exhausted

76. Are you a jealous person?

I like to think not

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

I like to think so but....havent really ever experienced one that was

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

HMMMmmmm

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Id kill to see any of my friends rn but they all live far and Im poor lol

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

go to work and sell some Indian food

81. Last person you cried in front of?

honestly, probably Kristin but if we’re counting non humans? my bunnies

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

most of my friends, I HOPE

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

god I hope Fatgum is protective of me 

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE so probably just staring at each other awkwardly 

(this is about both Fatgum and Justin)

85. Are you over your past?

who knows

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

WHATS AN OPPOSITE SEX LOL and no

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Kristin!! 

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

I mean who says anyone Ive dated in the past has been a “true love” of mine 

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

IT WAS LITERALLY A RANDO AT SOME ANIME CON SO GOD NO 

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

UUUUUUmmmmmmm.......I dont think my friends or family were ever fond of some of my exes....

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

dang, sure hope so

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Ye, but we dont talk anymore

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nah

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

No, I had just broken up with someone :/

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

IDK if I liked anyone in March??? I dont think I did

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

@hamsa-heart???? YES97. Who do you have texts from?

Kristin, Hazel, my mom, my boss, etc

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

sucks to suck but live your dreams dude

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

YEa

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

I dont think theres anyone else in any of my profile pics

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

GOD I WISH102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

YYEEEAaahhh

[shaddy-bee]

I KNOW ITS BEEN LIKE 300 YEARS BUT-

5 things you’ll find in my bag

Right now theres uhh Notebooks, both school and 1 art. Drink mix ins, with such great flavors as sour apple jolly rancher and crush pineapple (tm) Two packs of cards, one of which steam punk themed and the other your regular ol bicycle. A calculator. Its a shitty old one but its for tests, i have google and shit for anything i need myself.

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom

A roommate. Idk if he is gay or what but he isnt straight, name’s will. Chill dude. Sleepin rn, what a fella MY SICK ASS COMPUTER IM MISSING OUT ON BECAUSE MY ROOMMATE IS ASLEEP AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I WANNA PLAY ROCKET LEAGUE WITHOUT LAGGING TO HELL also programming my mods. Need to upload that shit. Shit what number we on, 3? Okay cool. A bed. Wow really a bed in your bedrooM? yeah its pretty fuckin spectacular i know. I dont have posters n shit so like i gotta be creative you feel. A microfridge. Now i know what youre thinking, “ah a small fridge whats the big deal?” but no you dont understand, its a microwave fucking bolted onto the top of a fridge. They gave zero fucks attaching these two together and apparently the name is the same way, WHY NOT A FRIDGEWAVE EVEN LIKE MICROFRIDGE JUST SOUNDS LIKE A SMALL FRI- Last but not least, im tempted to just say my wallet here tbh, cuz its old but like, youd EXPECT that now would you? Something boring and mundane for me to fill out the word count with making everything super exciting so nah man, fuck it. Theres air in my bedroom. Fight me.

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

Make a videogame. Like okay, a lot of stuff on this list is jokes and stuff, and I know im going into too much detail and my followers will probably murder me in cold blood for this shit, but im serious about this one like - i have some ideas, but i never have the motivation alone to like work whole-heartedly and finish one but like, at some point in the future id love to sit down and just go at it and make a game. Doesnt matter if its popular or big or small just i wanna make something that i love ya feel? I wanna like, go to newark, delaware. I know, its delaware and all, no one lives there, but ive met a bunch of cool people there and i was promised a donut run sometime, so lookin forward to that. Yknow that post awhile back that was like “i dont wanna be rich and like buy shit, i just wanna have enough money to throw at kickstarters whenever i want without having to strain on my food and rent costs” thats me. 100% Like i wanna have just enough money to be able to donate to cool people and watch them do cool shit - it wont always work out but thats fine, I just love shit. I wanna be able to donate like the high prize and fly out to meet these game studios for coffee and shit and just talk with em and see their passion and ideas. I love it. Im not actually really sure besides those. Like idk. I think itd be cool to enter a game tournament with my brother and win, but i doubt thatll happen and its not super like on my desires just itd be cool cuz we named ourselves Sora and Shiro after NGNL and to see that like, have us win would be great. Yeah. Ill make my fifth to think of a fifth one.

5 things on my to do list

FLOPPY DICKS i mean disks. Floppy disks. I do binding of isaac ab+ modding shit, and im currently working (its mostly done for what i want it to do) which adds a new consumable called floppy disks, effects are based on viruses, bugs, and just computer based shit. Like BSOD for instance, which makes the screen literately bluescreen. Or atleast look like it. Cant wait to watch people play with it. I gotta work on the programming class project too but honestly i dont waannnaaa. Like its cool as shit. Recreate a card game using c++ code. But man, i just love Apocrypha and Floppies so much more. Eat today???? Please. Dining hall opens in 3 hours. Its goddamn 4 am. I want my food. Dunno if ill get it - if ill stay awake till then. But i want it. Probably draw some stuff? Like i posted one drawing already (check it out if u wanna ;) kay?) but like theres wacom tablets here i can just kinda use whenever???? its great. I love being able to just draw stuff on em. Even if i suck at drawing, even if it took 10 hours to make the one i posted here, still love. Probably play more rocket league. Sleep first, soon as i get that food im CRASHIN BOI IM OUTTIE HA but uhh, rocket league has a halloween thing rn and i like playing it. Was playing earlier today and i matchd with a dude in 2v2 that had the same car, skin, AND colors set up as mine. Totaly random. We kicked some major ass together. I kept thinking of the same hat comic the entire time. (also my card was superior because it had furry ears on it ;))

5 things that make me happy

Getting an idea for a thing and working at said thing until like boom it went from this abstract idea to now it has a physical form and it works! And its fun and its great and i can share it with other people and they can have fun too!!!! that feeling is wonderful.  Obviously friends man. Just doing shit with people can be so great sometimes - like not all the time sure but like man. Its nice to talk to people and share experiences and just smile and tell bad jokes and have them groan but like it anyway like thats the shit. Going out at 2 am and walking to a nearby run down schoolyard and swinging on the swingsets and watching shooting stars burn up. Thats the good shit. Getting tents and setting em up in your friends back yard when your friend from far away comes up for a few days, and playing ridiculous games in a group like kick the can or fuckin zombie screaming your lungs out in the dark to freak em out, or just talkin around a fire about fuckin life man. The people make life great. Shits worth living for. I realize that last answer covered a LOT of shit but like, im just gonna add here videogames. Would be amiss if i didnt mention that, considering the rocket league rant above lmao. Yeah i better not make this category any longer.

5 things I’m (currently) into

Isaac modding, probably will be for awhile. Its good shit. As a suggestion from one of the people I work with (we also fuck around its a good time) i have started watching space dandy. Its a slow progress through lol like an episode or two a day but god man like its pretty ridiculous and the main character is pretty much everything i was expecting from seeing him everywhere. Rocket league again. It comes and goes with various different games to tide me over, give me a break from working. Bout 2 months ago or so said relaxing time was dominated by anime - i suddenly went on like a massive streak of watching shit. By that i mean, i watched all of hunter x hunter in like 2 weeks, among other shows prior to it. But yeah. Fuck man HXH I LOVED THE KING WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I have too many emotions about that. I wrote a rant to the Groupchat (tm) about the fucking battle and how everything is in slow motion but it fucking like makes it like foreshadowed and have so much of an impact and still so much fucking happens even while everything runs at super slow mo just GOD KLASFJBHUGHASFIUHIPJASK anyway. Yeah. Music, as always im listening to like constantly. Wireless headphones are a wonder for this, but uhh....i cant say im especially into any specific thing rn right? Like a bit ago i was super into joywave and then that faded out and now im just listening to whatever random shit, yknow? But I am into music in general. Its good. Art! A lot of times i dont do shit like for drawing right, like especially not in like pencil in notebooks but like, i sorta started doing a lot more art stuff? Like i had a period awhile back last year where i stopped using pencils and used only pens and i just loved the aesthetic of the ink like how it looked (funny how im doing the opposite of the fucking inktober though, huh?) but yeah im back into using pencils to draw shit occasionally. Im still terrible at drawing people (which is what i see mostly everyone drawing on tumblr lmao RIP) but its fun to sketch stuff out and just let my thoughts run and bounce to some music and shit right? Also the tablets. Especially with the tablets.

5 things people may not know about me (at least on tumblr)

I basically constantly wear sweatshirts, and they all have like earbuds where the strings go. All the earbud shits are broken pretty much, like occasionally they work (the one i have rn does) but like, i dont ever really use them? i have wireless headphones for my phone and a headset (because i need the mic for my computer) for said computer so like, idk. But yeah. I rarely take em off when im not home, and sometimes even when i am i just kinda keep em anyway? (also just now i realized i talked in the section for room shit about all the stuff in my current dorm, my room at home has all KINDS of wierd fucking shit in it. Really missed an opportunity there.) Like many people i like to stay hydrated and shit, but drinking water all the time seemed like a chore more than anything so i got like drink mix ins and shit, mio’s or whatever offbrand version you can find at your local SUPERSTORE CONGLOMERATE. I drink em like all the time pretty much so atleast im health in one way :P. Also gummy vitamins. I dont excercise but you can only ask for so much. Idk, its hard to think of things for this section because tumblr knows so little about me yknow? Like i never make my own posts or shit like its SUPER rare so im pretty much just tryna find random facts but that might not be interesting? Like i have a bad habbit of like talking way too loud when im excited about something right? Not quite yelling but like getting there and like idk. See? Thats not super interesting but it is something no one online would be able to really know ya feel? Idk. I mean physically im kinda fat as you do, but im also like wierdly strong? Like for someone who never works out i sure do have arm strength if nothing else lmao. My endurance is shit tho. Honestly? I can only blame it on osu and groceries. Osu is just a game i like where you mash buttons to the beat of weaboo shit tier music. The groceries is just because like, well, my policy is Least Trips Possible which means carrying in 13 bags at a time if need be it, fuck it milk too? And a watermellon? Bring it. 

Who am I tagging? Idk man. Just for shits and stuff tho i do wanna tag @theoriginalyami just to see what all’s changed in teh long time since i actually went to fill it out :P Dont feel like you have to add as much as me tho omg @milkchocolateowl because honestly? love you. Think about you a lot, just like glad im mutuals with that ray of sunshine. Good. @fantaledfish <3 (this is the friend i mentioned earlier, runs a QUALITY blog i guarantee it, better than mine for sure) @dragonfucker-supreme always top in my notes, a silent bond, like two guards assigned to watch back to back in the early dawn. Birds gather round. I can only tag so many people (i set myself a limit of 5 because...idk why i just mentally it felt right) so for my last trick gotta go with @ask-oncies-jizz like cmon man name changes for the win, also has quality icons and quality shitposts tbh, supreme top meme. Have fun yall.

[teddy-feathers]

Me: having a fucking break down.

Ranting about issues that matter to me. Making mopey fucking comments.

I realize it happens frequently. I realize there's no help to be had. I realize i just have to muster up and do it... Or find an alternative solution.

But it makes it all the more noticable when she doesn't... Seem to notice. Or say anything. Or focuses on the wrong thing. Or how can you like every fucking post but miss the important ones. Or not worry on the times I'm radio silent.

Maybe raido silence from me is the expectation anymore. I dont know.

I dont think I've really paid attention the last several phone conversations we've managed just because I'm getting to the point I only have enough spoons to deal with so much emotional bag and I realize Ive already checked more than my fair amount but Im also dealing with my mom and my dad and work and having to fight off anxiety attacks before after and INSTEAD of social activities.

And i have other people who are going through a rough patch. And the shit with the car. Hell 99% of my recharge/ coping is just staring at Tumblr mindlessly. Cant even read or play video games without guilt or I just end up staring aimlessly at tumblr because tumblr wont make me feel things Im trying to not feel.

But... Nada you know?

No worried messages. Maybe an I love you but its more of "im lonely and i miss you pay attention to me" than "im worried about you"

I dont... Talk really. Or rant or vent or... Share. I'll make a couple of comments but really its just. Listening. Trying to maybe comment and being happy at least shes rambling about things shes enjoying and that things are going well.

And when there is a problem... I try to refocus. Dont panic, worry about what you can do. Youll get through this you have options and viable plans if you follow through. Distract until youve processed and calm - watch a funny thing. Or watch a sad thing so youll feel better after crying cause happy ending. Eat. Drink. Fluids. Rest. Itll turn out okay one way or another.

Then redirect convo to happier topics until she sounds a bit happier.

Her: sometimes i dont want solutions i just want to cry and have you tell me everythings going to be okay.

I just. I cant do that. What lie to you? What allow you to sit there and break down and do NOTHING to attempt to help? I cant even let people bitch without trying to "help" or "fix" things or at least explain something. And most of the time I'm barely okay emotionally I CANT handle other people breaking down and HELPLESS because EVERYTHING is terrible and there is no way out. I HAVE to try and find a way out. Usually with far too many words.

More to the point... Dating me has always been this huge thing. Like it matters to her. Because "I'm all she wants" ? But. I'm really not and I could list all sorts of things she wants and needs that I just. Dont. Do. Wont do.

It matters to her and it doesnt to me and we are best friends so what does it matter?

Only while it has fixed some problems because she's happy with that... I swear its just an idea, a possession of having me forever maybe? Idk. And of being in a relationship...

Long term it just isnt sustainable because of things like this.

She wants me to be jelly but she could date like a hundred people or sleep with them rn and I wouldnt care if she was happy healthy and they treated her right.

But... I feel like... I'm alway breaking down or having shit go wrong and she's never there, never notices, never says anything aside from... Irrelevant comments and I notice and feel that and try to give the benifit of the doubt because hell its not like we get a chance to bs very often and that is mostly my fault.

But she calls and I just. Cant. Sometimes. Or its all surface bs. Or it is cool stuff but I just... I'm glad shes happy.

Or she calls and I just cant but she sounds upset so i swallow it and try and then I get this bs.

Or I say hey i dont want to talk about xzy

Okay but one last thing -

Or hey i HAVE to go now

Awwwww okay but - keeps talking

Or its always some smarter last word feeling thing with her. She doesn't mean to but she treats people like theyre stupid.

Or how she got into a huge fight with my family on facebook amd neither side respected the fact I dont do face book and Im not getting in fucking volved just leave me out of it...

But she cant unfriend my fam cause that's "weird" even though it'd STOP shit like this from happening but yeah not apologizing to my aunt for some series fuck up on her part is okay.

I just. For the longest time I hated the idea of dating. Hated relationships because of all the bullshit and honestly I was never going to let anyone treat me the way dad and mom treat each other.

Then... I tried it. And it was terrifying amd fun but in retrospect I just like having friends. And dating amd friend stuff for me just. I do the same things. And sex I just dont want to have anything to do with me personally but Ive tried dating and sex and I'm back to the high school me standard of why bother?

And its honestly such a farce. I want my best friend happy. I am a people pleaser. I say nice things and mean them but... I say things and they make her sad whenever I bring them up like how I'm prob deff aro ace...

She wants to be special to me. An exception. Shes my best friend but ive told her so many times I dont love her the way she loves me, and that its not ENOUGH and shes just like "no its enough" while asking for more whether she realizes it or not.

I'm bad at relationships in general but Ive always been tired of my friendship not being enough for people. For me wanting to grow that bond is everything but I can't keep friends because I'm me and even my best friend is only my best friend because THIS is what she wanted and I gave it to her and somehow I'm still fucking this up.

[modiintrainguy]

New Year. New Me? Same? New?

6.39am January 1, 2019

Ben Gurion airport station

 So what’s the plan for the new year? What’s the resolution?

Im on the train and it’s just turning from dark to light. The day’s coming out. It’s a new year. And for what feels like the first time in a long time, im not feeling optimistic.

Then again, this time last year I was suicidal if I remember rightly.

But I thought I usually take these times to look back on my progress over the last year – to see where I was then and where I am now and see how I have achieved.

Maybe I should do that.

Fuck it. My head hurts thinking. Im gonna read till I get off the train and do this in the office.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

7.44am

So, I’m in the office.

I always put things off and I think I should do things another place cos I’ll feel better. But I forget I might not. So here I am feeling uncomfortable typing in the office even though only 1 other person is here and he doesn’t care what im doing so the only potential problem is someone scanning my computer or something which seems unlikely!!

Yeah yeah yeah.

Anyway where were we?

Progress in 2018?

-          Kids?

Of course

-          Work?

Indeed. Im clearly in a new position with a new challenge.

The fact that the challenge daunts me is concerning. But whats the laternative?

This is where I was last night – new years eve at the sort-of wedding party for M and D in tel aviv.

Basically they got married in America but then had a party in Israel 3 months later. It was lovely – they had this cute chupa ceremony fun thing where their friend hosted and told some stories and 7 friends read pop culture quotes from things like Gilmore girls and the friend said do you still take D to be your husband etc and she said “I still do”.

Anyway I got there early cos the mrs drove and I walked from the office down to hamasger. And I just felt ugh. Down. Cos I don’t know what to do with this fucking job. Do I make a POC? Do I ask the designers to design? I guess I need to speak to Gr first but that wont be till Thursday.

But but but.

Its like I don’t want the but cos it makes me have to do things and I don’t want to take the plunge, I want to stay trading water cos its less scary.

But what is the plunge?

To write a short version of the LMT?

To make a brochure?

To think as if im an operator and an account manager – how will it work? Whats the flow? What would the step by step process be?

I mean I can. And I know I can. But I feel like a force is stopping me right now.

Im looking out the window at the park and thinking maybe I go walk in the park and think and come back but how will that really help?

The challenge remains unless I face up to it. And whats the alternative? To walk away.

All I know is last time I thought the alternative would be much better it wasn’t so why not try and get more from this? Cos its fucking me up all day every day.

REALITY CHECK

.is it that bad?

I mean really? I feel like its terrible but what is it really? Whats really worrying me.

Apart from the fact I ate too much chocolate last night and now I want to fast for 3 days.

And I can’t deal with planning what im gonna do with the girls today and on Thursday and on Friday.

The whole worry is the work right now – which is interesting cos it kinda means ive managed to not be worried about all the other things that worried me so much for so long – money organsing, the unfinished organising and furnishing in the flat, the kids, the food (although ive lost weight but I worry it’ll all come back soon with a few waffles).

So work?

Here we go again. Is it bad?

WORRY: im never gonna get anything done?

ANSWER:

1.       I cannot do the marketing material without checking with Gr what she wants. I can do a little planning but it doesn’t matter if ive written it or not – I can just tell her.

Main question now seems to be do they want it all at once or separately – O says all at once, I say its an overload.

So maybe I need to do a POC today or tomorrow then approach her.

 2.       I cannot do the website before speaking to YG – and in any case, the website can be later stage. The main aim is some marketing material to provide to the account managers so they can promote the features.

 3.       HTML email – gotta wait for Td and Gr on Wednesday or Thursday.

And we need to see about mailchimp. So I better ask Doi

 4.       Im on top of the editing the release notes and im editing the c manual.

 5.       All the foreigners are on holiday today so I can relax – just try and speak to YG.

 6.       IM SCARED of talking to YG. Why?

Cos cos. Im not sure about my idea of highlights – but in any case I wrote down my ideas.

Actually maybe she’s avoiding me 😉

Whats the big deal ? There’s no big deal. I tell her what I want and ask where shes at and if we are going to make one website or not.

In any case I can put the highlights on Zendesk.

 7.       AMs leaving so im gona have to do some other stuff – which means what? I guess I’ll still edit the RNs but anything else is extra. Lets see what happens next week!

 Is this all true?

I better read it over!

So I read it. I guess.

Ok that means I didn’t read it properly.

Ops. Or oopsie at the littleone says,

Ok now I added 5 and 6. Gonna read it again.

8.36. Gonna put it on tumblr and go to the park and read everything ive written the last few days and hopefully convince myself everythings basically ok!

Ok after I added number 7!